


...Third is the one with the Treasure Chest

by merkintosh



Category: Glee
Genre: Multi, Orgy, ep related: Bad Reputation, the whole chicken
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-15
Updated: 2015-01-04
Packaged: 2017-12-08 10:29:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/760340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merkintosh/pseuds/merkintosh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Written for <a href="http://community.livejournal.com/glee_kink_meme/1224.html?thread=4346824#t4346824">this prompt</a> on the <a href="http://glee-kink-meme.livejournal.com/profile"><img class="i-ljuser-userhead"/></a><a class="i-ljuser-username" href="http://glee-kink-meme.livejournal.com/"></a><b>glee_kink_meme</b></p>
    </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [this prompt](http://community.livejournal.com/glee_kink_meme/1224.html?thread=4346824#t4346824) on the [](http://glee-kink-meme.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://glee-kink-meme.livejournal.com/)**glee_kink_meme**

After watching Coach Sylvester's music video what seemed like 500 times, Kurt firmly shut the lid to his laptop over the complaints of his friends. “We need to talk, guys. So far, everything we've done to try and up our reputations has failed and I think I know why.”

“Everyone thinks we're babies,” Artie said, turning to look towards the girls for affirmation. “I mean, we do look a little farm fresh.”

Kurt nodded, “And while our youthful faces will help us if we decide on acting careers and want to play teenagers on network television after we graduate college; it certainly doesn't help us now at shrugging off our squeaky clean reps. But that's not what our real problem is here. Our problem is that we're trying to direct our plans towards the school as a whole when really we need to be focusing on just one person.”

Tina spoke up from the back, “The principal?”

“No,” Kurt said, “The creator of the Glist. Now we all know that Quinn wrote the Glist --”

“I didn't know that,” Brittany said, one finger raised in the air as if she was in class.

“Girl, please,” Mercedes said, “She put herself at the top of the list and everyone else on it is a big ho and you know that the one thing Miss Priss hates the most is that her slutting it up knocked her off her shiny pedastal. Of course she wrote the Glist.”

Artie pushed his glasses up his nose, “The only reason we haven't told any adults is because we kind of feel sorry for her. Although, I'm sure that the actual people on the Glist are kind of clueless as to who did it, but that's because they're used to being talked about like that. And Rachel's self-absorbed.”

“Exactly,” Kurt said, “And since Quinn wrote the thing, we need to focus on what she thinks gives you a reputation at McKinley.”

“But I don't want to be a slut,” Tina said, “I mean, my family's pretty sex positive, but I'm fairly sure they wouldn't like it if I did that. Besides, I'm kind of a one-guy kind of girl.” She looked over at Artie fondly.

“And it's not like we're beating them off with a stick anyways,” Mercedes said before pointing in Brittany's direction. “Except for her and even then Quinn still didn't put her near the top of the list.”

“That's true,” Brittany said while nodding.

Kurt tried to rein the conversation back in, “Guys, guys! We need to focus. I'm not saying we should start a brothel, I'm saying we should do something that Quinn would see as bad, but that the rest of the school would see as badass so then she'll be forced to include us on the next Glist. Something major that might even put us at the top.”

“But what?” Brittany asked.

“That's where you come in,” Kurt said, “Now, you've done a lot of...sexual things and you've done a lot of them with the people on the Glist or you know what they've done.”

Brittany nodded and so did everyone else.

“So now we just need you to think of something that you and they haven't done.” Kurt said, looking at Brittany expectantly. She tilted her head and stared off into the distance, her eyes squinting as she thought hard. After five minutes, everyone else grew uncomfortable at the silence and began to look at each other in concern. After ten minutes, it looked like Brittany was going to cry.

Tina was the first to speak up, “Maybe we should just say some things out loud and Brittany can tell us if anyone on the Glist has done it already?”

Kurt nodded in relief, “That's a great idea, Tina. Are you ok with that Brittany?”

Brittany wiped at the corners of her eyes with her hand, “Ok.”

“Then who wants to start us off?” Kurt asked.

No one did.

“Fine. I will then.” Kurt said, fidgeting with his hair. “Well, we already know that everyone on the list has had sex at least once, except for Rachel.”

“She likes her solos too much,” Artie said under his breath only to have Mercedes bump his shoulder and giggle.

“Then has anyone on the Glist had sex at school?” Kurt asked.

Brittany nodded, “Oh yeah.”

Tina moved in closer to Brittany and spoke quietly. Everyone else leaned in as she said, “Has anyone done something weird like...bondage?”

“I don't know what means,” Brittany said, “Does that have anything to do with animals because then yes.”

Tina was left speechless and openmouthed so Artie piped in, “Bondage is more like tying someone up with scarves or rope or something.”

“Oh!” Brittany said, “Then yeah.”

“Wow.” Mercedes was as agog as Tina by this point.

“Then what about sex tapes?” Artie asked, “Or, or, or threesomes!” When the girls turned to look at him in horror, he shrank in on himself while giving a tiny shrug.

Brittany looked like she was starting to get bored, her head limply held up by a hand, “Yes and yes.”

Kurt had turned a bright red by this point, but wasn't about to quit, “What about more than three people?”

At this, Brittany's head popped up and she squinted as if looking far away. “You know what? I don't remember hearing anything like that. Just threesomes.”

Tina had finally pulled herself together and started to smile as she said, “Then there you have it! The one thing no one on the Glist has had is an...orgy.” Her face fell as she realized what she was proposing.

“Are you kidding me!” Mercedes yelled, her hands flying up above her head, “An orgy!” She hissed the word out in shock.

“If that's what it takes, then I think we should do it.” Kurt said with a resolute huff. “If we want to be remembered at this school as badasses then we need to do the one thing no one else has been able to pull off. Besides, I trust you guys and if I'm going to do anything this crazy, I want it to be with all of you. Even you Brittany.”

“That's really sweet, Kurt.” Mercedes said, “But an orgy! You cannot be serious!”

“It's that or stay at the bottom of the food chain for the rest of our high school years, Mercedes!”

Meanwhile, Brittany had perked up and was clapping in her chair, “Let's do it! Orgy! Orgy!”

Artie shook his head but said, “If Tina's ok with it, then I'm down.”

Tina moved to put her hand on Artie's shoulder, “I can't believe I'm saying this, but I agree with Kurt. I trust you guys and this will definitely get us to the top of the Glist. Let's do it.”

Mercedes stared at the rest of the group. “Oh my god.” she said, “I've been outvoted. Fine! If you guys want a taste of all this fine chocolate, then let's have at it!”

***

Once everyone agreed to an orgy, it was time to plan everything out. Kurt found a list of kinky things to do during an orgy through google and wrote down five items each out for all the members of the group (he didn't print it out in case it got traced back to the Glee account, but figured googling orgy would be considered normal teenage behavior, especially for a group with Puck in it). After giving everyone their list they went away, blushing, to acquire what they would need for their plan.

“Does anyone have a chicken on their list?” Brittany asked before anyone could leave the choir room.

“Oh my god. Do I even want to know?” Mercedes muttered. Shaking her head, she asked, “Why a chicken, Brittany?”

“Well, I have feathers on my list,” Brittany said, pointing to the piece of paper in her hand covered in sparkly purple gel pen, “And I heard something about if you're going to be really kinky, you need a chicken. I don't know what for, but we should cover all our bases.”

“Just stick with the feathers,” Kurt said while trying to smother himself with his messenger bag.

Tina placed her hand on Brittany's arm, “Also, didn't you say that someone already did something with animals? That means we don't have to do that.”

“Oh, ok.” Brittany said before wandering out of the room, talking under her breath as she read through her list again.

“Kurt, I think there needs to be an IQ test for our orgy.” Mercedes said as she watched Brittany walk away.

Kurt put his hands on Mercedes' shoulders and looked her in the eye, “Mercedes, I need you to be ok with this. I can't do this without you and while Brittany may not be all there, she also has the best access to a lot of the things we're going to need for this plan to work. Now, please please please be at my house tonight at six. I'll have the basement ready by then and we can get this over with and somehow 'acidentally' have Quinn find out and this will all be over. Please.”

Mercedes sighed and nodded before giving Kurt a quick hug. She left the room with her list deep in the bottom of her backpack.

“Tina? Artie? Are you guys ok with this?” Kurt asked, turning to look at them.

Artie nodded while fiddling with the collar of his button up, “This totally gets rid of like half my bucket list. It's cool.”

“And I hadn't planned on having an orgy until at least my sophomore year of college, but I'm fine with moving my timeline forward. It's actually sort of awesome.” Tina said with a quick, happy grin.

Kurt had wondered what it would be like to have friends before Glee club, but he had never expected to meet a group of people like this.

***

By six-thirty, everyone was safely down in Kurt's basement while he put a sign on his door telling his dad that he was downstairs with his friends so he should ignore any loud noises. Locking the door, Kurt leaned his forehead against the cool wood and gave serious thought to throwing himself down the stairs in a dramatic display of despair.

“Murder mystery dinner?” Mercedes asked with a raised eyebrow.

“I tried to think of something my father wouldn't really question and yet not want to get involved with in any way.” Kurt said before taking a deep breath and turning to walk down the stairs.

He had made an effort to decorate his room to fit the mood so the lighting was low with candles on most of the flat surfaces. Along with the normal food you'd have for a party (chips, dip, vegetables, organic cookies, juice), Kurt had also found food items that wikipedia said were sexy like chocolate sauce, strawberries, and oysters, but he was uncertain that anyone would eat those. He had draped scarves over his lamps and television and turned his couches around to face the center of the room. Everyone was sitting down facing the empty circle with their backpacks in their laps, bulging full of the items from their lists. Kurt sat down next to his bag. “So we should get everything out and get started. Everyone dump your bags out on the count of three.”

At three, a sea of items fell onto Kurt's floor including one that made a frightening clunk when it hit the cement. In disbelief, the group looked in awe at all the items and tried to figure out how they would use everything in the pile.

“Kurt,” Mercedes said while picking up a pile of lace, “What are these?”

“Well, since I knew everyone's clothing and shoe sizes already I took 'sexy clothes and shoes' from the orgy list. The zebra striped teddy and hot pink heels are for you.” Kurt said before giving everyone else their own new underwear. Brittany quickly snatched up the baby blue wonderbra, panties and heels with a huge grin while Tina blushed as she took the all black panty set that included thigh highs and garters. Artie solemnly accepted matching black boxer-briefs while mentioning that he was disappointed it wasn't a thong. Kurt didn't take anything from the pile.

“Where are yours?” Artie asked while trying not to look at Tina as she modelled her new underwear for the others girls over her clothes.

Kurt covered his face with his hands and mumbled.

“Uh, what was that?” Mercedes said as she pulled his hands from his face.

“I said that I already had mine on and couldn't find any good shoes in my size except for --” Kurt stopped midsentence and pointed to a pair of shoes by the bottom of his stairs.

Mercedes laughed and immediately ran over to get them. “Red high heels? You little slut.” she said as she brought over a monstrous pair of red platform heels. “Can you even walk in these?”

“I don't think you do much walking at an orgy,” Kurt said waspishly as he snatched them away from her. “Don't worry, I'll find a use for them somehow. Let's move on.”

Mercedes pouted at the loss of the high heels, “Well, what else did you bring then, Kurt?” she asked.

Kurt waved his arms to encompass the room, “Well, I provided the place and food as well as scarves and rope and...lubricant.” After saying all of that, Kurt was unable to look anyone else in the face.

“And I brought the condoms,” Artie said as he cheerfully pointed down at the five boxes of condoms on the floor, “The guy at the pharmacy totally gave me a high five. I also got water-based paint, brushes, porn, and batteries.”

Tina looked just as happy as Artie to point out what she brought, “I got the bag of ice -- which is in the cooler by the food -- the fuzzy handcuffs, the sleeping masks, printouts, and a hat.” She showed off a large, black top hat to everyone.

“Well, I brought the sexy soundtrack to our evening. Let me put it on,” Mercedes said as she stood up and placed her iPod on Kurt's stereo system. Thumbing to the playlist, “Glee Orgy Night” and pressing play, Robin Thicke immediately flooded the basement. “I also got the massage oils and lotion, clothespins, opera gloves, and those little golf pencils but I really don't know what that's about.”

Kurt turned to look at Brittany, “Did you get everything from your list?” he asked.

“Yep!” She said with a slight hair toss. “I got the feathers, body glitter, Bengay, and sex toys!” She grabbed a plastic wal-mart bag from the center and dumped out a large pile of dildos, vibrators, butt plugs, and other items that no one else could figure out what they were.

While everyone else was still speechless at the sight of so many sex toys in one place, Brittany shifted and pulled another bag out from behind her seat, “Oh yeah, and I forgot to mention that I got the liquor, too. I got, like, a lot because I know that a lot of people prefer to be really drunk their first time – at least that's how it is with most of the Cheerios. That and I didn't know what you guys like to drink.” She blithely pulled out several bottles of assorted liquors as everyone was finally fully faced with the reality that they were about to participate in an actual orgy.

“Kurt,” Mercedes said before grabbing his hand, “I'm trying to find my happy place where I'm ok with this, but I'm really freaking out.”

“Me too,” Kurt said, “Are we really serious about this, guys? I don't even know what this is.” he pulled out a leather ring from the pile.

“That's a cockring!” Brittany said, “It goes on your penis.” Kurt dropped the cockring and wiped his hand on his pants.

In end, it was Tina who managed to save the day, “Come on guys, let's try and be open to what's going on tonight. Sex is a good thing and we all trust each other to keep things safe and pleasant. Also, we have lots of alcohol that we can drink beforehand to make this seem like a good idea. We have to be firm in our commitment to doing this. Alright?”

Everyone slowly nodded and moved to grab plastic cups from the food table while Brittany opened up the bottles.

***

Warm from the two shots of vodka he had thrown back, Kurt moved towards Tina's hat and printouts. “Is everyone ready?” he asked.

“I already cut out the items,” Tina said while staring deeply into her half empty cup of rum and coke. “Just dump them in the hat.”

“What is the hat about anyways?” Artie asked.

Tina looked over at her boyfriend from her chair. “I went to a website that lists kinky sex acts and printed them out. So we just draw stuff from the hat and, you know, do them.”

“Like an icebreaker game, but perverse.” Mercedes said as she sat down with her cup of vodka and cranberry juice.

Brittany looked down at her new blue bra on her lap. “Shouldn't we get into our sexy clothes and shoes?” She asked, “If we're getting ready and all.”

Kurt nodded, “I guess we could get comfortable. You guys know where the bathroom is, right?” The girls nodded and rushed out together with their new underwear in hand. Kurt looked over at Artie and asked, “Do you want to stay in your chair or move to the bed now?”

Artie unlocked his wheelchair and started to move. “I'm thinking bed now so I can get these new underwear on. Your bed's a bit higher than mine, could you--?” He nodded towards the bed as he moved over beside it. Kurt stood up and waited until Artie had his chair locked again before helping him onto the bed. The boys worked together to get the pillows arranged behind Artie so he had a good view of the rest of the room while not putting stress on his lower half.

Kurt watched as Artie unclipped his suspenders and removed his belt and pants He turned his head when Artie removed his underwear. “I think it's a little late to be shy,” Artie said with a grin. He was putting on the new briefs when he reached his thighs, “Help me get these up over my ass. I won't bite, I swear.”

“Sorry,” Kurt said before turning to help Artie, “It's just that a lot of guys take it a little too personal if they see me looking while they're naked. You know, because I'm gay.” The two worked together to get Artie somewhat dressed.

“I can see how that can be a problem,” Artie said, “I thought it was because of my legs. They're not much to look at, I know, and people tend to freak out.” He then removed his sweater vest and unbuttoned his shirt.

Kurt took Artie's clothes and folded them up in his wheelchair, “With arms and abs like those, I wouldn't worry too much Art.”

“Why thank you kind sir. So will I get a show tonight?” Artie said while folding his arms behind his head allow the wiry but prominent muscles to bulge.

Kurt flushed and felt the heat in his face and neck, “I can believe I'm doing this,” He said as he unbuttoned his shirt. “I'm about to have an orgy with a straight guy and three girls. This is the worst orgy ever.”

Artie grabbed Kurt's wrist, “Hey. I'm sorry about that, Kurt. Don't worry though, we'll make this work out somehow. I'd rather stay a bottomfeeder than make you feel left out.”

“Thanks, Artie,” Kurt said with a smile. He was going to say more, but the girls entered the room, giggling and hugging a bottle of apple vodka and broke the mood.

“Oh!” Tina said when she saw Artie on the bed and Kurt half dressed beside him. “We should all get on the bed if we want to see each other.” She grabbed the hat from the floor before moving to sit next to a now blushing Artie. He looked stunned to see her half naked and clenched his hands into fists on his stomach whenever her shoulder brushed his.

Mercedes and Brittany sat down on the foot of the bed and Kurt scrambled to remove his shirt and pants and sit down next to Mercedes and Artie to complete the circle. No one knew where to look at first.

“I'll go first,” Tina said as she plunged her hand into the hat. She pulled out a piece of paper, “Masturbation. Oh wow.”

Brittany looked around at everyone, “So do we all do it or just Tina?” she asked.

“I think just me,” Tina said, “Otherwise, then we'd all have to recover afterwards. Can someone get my cup?”

Mercedes scrambled to get up, “Sure, girl. What were you drinking?”

“Just put anything in there.”

Artie pushed his glasses up his nose and tried to look at Tina without actually looking at her, “Do you want one of Brittany's sex toys?”

Brittany spoke before Tina could, “Actually most of them are Santana's: she's letting me borrow them. I miss her, why couldn't she join us?”

Artie looked away from the group, “Santana scares me.” he said, “I don't think I could maintain an erection around her.”

“Besides,” Kurt said, “She's above you on the Glist. If she was here, then she'd still be above you and that might keep you out of the top three.”

Brittany seemed appeased by that answer.

“And I won't be needing anything, thank you though.” Tina finally got out as Mercedes came to her with a cup filled to the brim with something. Tina gulped heavily at the drink before putting it on Kurt's bedsit. “Well. Here goes.”

The group didn't know how or where to look as Tina took a deep breath and moved her hands down to her panties. “Should I take off my panties or leave them on?” She asked with her eyes squeezed shut.

“Just do what's comfortable,” Artie said. Tina smiled and blindly moved her hand closest to him up to his chest. He grabbed her hand with his own and squeezed.

Tina's other hand kept moving down and with all the impatience of youth, five minutes hadn't gone by before she was squirming on the bed, two fingers moving underneath the now wet crotch of her panties as her stocking-covered foot rubbed up and down Brittany's thigh for leverage. Seemingly unconcerned that she was being watched, Tina was going all out in her need to come, one hand holding onto Artie's for dear life as she fingerfucked herself and rubbed against her clit with her thumb. With a shout, she tensed and arched her back only relaxing after giving one long shudder and deep moan.

“Damn.” Mercedes said.

***

“I'm next!” Brittany said as she scrambled to grab the hat. Artie was stroking Tina's hair as she smiled up at him while Kurt and Mercedes looked at each other and finished off their drinks in preparation for getting more.

Brittany quickly pulled out the first piece of paper she found. “Striptease! Yay!” she said before giving herself spontaneous applause.

“Can I use my own music?” Brittany asked Mercedes who gave an imperious wave of consent with the rum bottle. Practically leaping off the bed, Brittany searched her backpack for her iPod and moved to turn off one of Usher's older songs. Scrolling through her music, Brittany finally found what she was looking for and placed her iPod into the dock and pressed play. Setting herself up in the empty space in front of the bed, everyone moved to get seated before the music started and waited to see what would happen.

As Brittany danced, Artie turned to whisper to Kurt, “Is this 'Hey ya'?”

“Just go with it,” Kurt said.

While seemingly wildly inappropriate music for a striptease, Brittany's sheer joy while dancing quickly made everyone smile and they began to cheer and laugh whenever Brittany managed a particularly difficult spin or kick. She even managed to remove her clothes without the dance becoming awkward with an inspired moment of chest bumping as she removed her bra during the “Shake it like a polaroid picture” interlude. By the end of the song, Brittany was completely naked except for her high heels and glistening with sweat. Everyone clapped as she took a bow and bounced back to the stereo to switch the music back to Mercedes' playlist then bounced into her seat on the bed.

“Here you go,” Brittany said as she took the hat and push it into Mercedes' hands. “It's your turn.”

Mercedes looked at the hat and shrugged. Pulling out a piece of paper she read aloud, “Food.” Muttering, Mercedes got off the bed and headed to the food table where she grabbed the bottle of chocolate sauce. “Sometimes, my life is as ironic as an Alanis Morrisette song. Now, how do I do this? Do I eat this off myself, because that's just weird and not sexy.”

“You should probably eat it off someone else,” Artie said, “We need to get this orgy started anyways and who better than you, sexy mama?”

Mercedes preened at the compliment, “True. Now who should I eat right up?” she said as she turned to look at all her friends. Her first instinct was to go for Kurt, but he looked like he'd rather die than have anything as calorie-laden as chocolate sauce poured on his body. He scrunched face was cute, but it put her off her game. She liked Artie and he looked intrigued by the idea, but she couldn't do that to Tina even if all previous claims were seemingly off for the night. The same went for Tina in Mercedes' head so she looked behind her for her drink and took a large gulp as she finally turned to Brittany.

Brittany smiled when she saw Mercedes stop at her and put out her hands. Shrugging, Mercedes tipped the bottle over Brittany's hands and covered her palms in chocolate, trying not to let too much out and get it all over Kurt's bed. Without turning, she thrust the bottle at Kurt who fumbled it and she took one of Brittany's hands and gave a solid lick down the center, enjoying the taste of the chocolate as well as the salt that still lingered from Brittany's dance routine. Intrigued, she kept going, licking and chasing the sauce across Brittany's hands, sucking at her fingers and pretty much just going to town until there was nothing left. When she was done, she looked up and saw that Brittany's eyes were shining, her pupils blown as she grinned. When she looked up to see everyone else's reaction, she was amused to see that they were all pretty shocked.

“Trying to set off the fire alarm?” Kurt asked her with a raised eyebrow.

Mercedes sat up and re-adjusted the top of her teddy. “Only warming the room up for you tiger. Now pick something out of the hat.”

“Oral sex.” Kurt said when he finally picked a paper out of the hat. He looked around at the intrigued girls and newly solemn-looking Artie. “I can't do this. Is there a voyeurism paper in here, I can do voyeurism. I'm practically an expert after suffering through the lockers rooms after gym class.” Kurt began to dig through the hat, pulling papers out and tossing them over the side of the bed when he didn't like what was written on them.

“Hey, whoa! Calm down, Kurt,” Mercedes said as she tried to take the hat away from him. “You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Let go of the hat and just, chill.” She stroked his back as he loosened his hold on the hat.

“It's just. It's hard, you guys. It's hard being in a crowd and knowing that no one else there will like you the way you like them.” Kurt seemed to curl in on himself as he talked. “I really do care for you guys, but after this you guys can go out and hold hands in public and kiss on the street and no one will care. I even think about it and...” Kurt trailed off.

“I know it's hard for you baby, but it's not exactly a cakewalk being us either.” Mercedes said as she looked down sadly at Kurt. “That's how we got into this mess; everyone else expects us to just sit around and be sad little virgins while they screw everything that moves. And when they do what's expected of them, they get called sluts or badasses and pretend that it doesn't hurt. So let's just go off the deep end and do the unexpected, hm?”

What surprised everyone was when Artie spoke up, “Plus, I've been thinking about it since we got out the hat and while this may not be the most romantic way of getting it on, it's definitely been fun and I'm pretty sure I'll still be masturbating to this until I die of old age. Sex doesn't always have to be about true love, you know. It can be about having fun and friendship. You guys are my friends.” He took Kurt's hand and smiled when Kurt looked up at him.

“Sex friendships are totally awesome,” Brittany chipped in with. “And this might be the coolest thing I've ever done; just don't tell Santana that or she'll get jealous.”

Tina smiled at everyone. “This is like being in an erotic Babysitter's Club book.”

Kurt burst into one of his adorably creepy giggles. Everyone else soon followed.

With that, all the tension no one had consciously noticed before seemed to leave the room.

“Now let's all drink some more and get busy!” Artie said with a smirk.

***

After that, everything grew a little hazy, but what they could remember was pretty amazing. At some point, Brittany spread out all the sex toys she had brought on the bed and explained their functions and named every moving part or piece that came off or buzzed or needed to be cleaned in a dishwasher or with shoe polish. She showed them how to put the batteries in the vibrators and how to use a french tickler. It was a pretty impressive speech and all of them were left with a sense of awe for Brittany afterwards. “You're, like, a sex genius.” Artie said when Brittany stopped talking and she couldn't help the giant smile from forming on her face.

And they were pretty sure it was the gin that made the girls and Kurt drunkenly stumble their way through a model walk-off in their tall, slutty new heels while Artie cheered them on and judged them on sexiness. They weren't surprised when Tina won, but the fact that she was the only one who didn't fall down on her ass made them feel magnanimous about the obvious cheating.

They even went back to the hat for a little while, which meant that Kurt gave Brittany a foot massage that made her squirm and moan when he moved to her calves, and Artie masturbated onto a cookie then ate it while everyone else yelled “Ew!” and he pretended not to be grossed out. They ignored the prompts they didn't understand like snorkeling and felching. It also was what led to Tina putting on a sleeping mask while everyone else pushed her down to the bed and tickled her with the feathers or dragged melting pieces of ice on her belly and nipples and then someone turned on one of the vibrators and quickly moved it across her vagina, making Tina jump in surprise and pull the mask off only to see that it had been Kurt who had done it.

Then things got really dirty with Brittany taking off Artie's glasses only to put them on so she could make out with Tina. Cross-eyed from the strong prescription, she rubbed herself practically raw on Tina's thigh until she came, shuddering as she licked into Tina's mouth.

Mercedes was laughing as she used the golf pencils to spear strawberries and feed them to the boys. They kissed and licked at her fingers while she danced her hands away only to brush her fingers through their hair and steal the occasional strawberry for herself.

She dropped the pencils when Kurt turned around in her lap and kissed her right between her pubic hair and belly button only to keep going down until his face was in her pussy, licking and sucking while she gasped in shock. Artie grabbed her hand and sucked on her fingers while Kurt tore her apart from between her legs, making her thighs clench around his head as she rode out the waves of arousal. When he finally pushed his fingers into her sex and began to fuck her, she clenched down and climaxed with a growl. Once she was able to relax she looked down and saw him lazily smiling at her with so much love that she wanted to sing.

Kurt didn't stop there, getting up and crawling over to mouth Artie's cock. Artie blinked as he tried to focus, but could only see a brownish blur that he figured must be Kurt so he just layed back and enjoyed the ride. Kurt's mouth was hot and wet around his cock and he closed his eyes to better feel the sensations when Kurt started to slide down towards his groin. He opened his eyes in shock when he felt something drop on his head, “It's me!” Tina said in her drunken, happy voice, “Now eat me out!” Artie was happy to comply letting Tina ride his tongue until she drenched his face with her come.

“Are you wearing the top hat, Tina?” Brittany asked as she played with the body glitter Mercedes had poured on her stomach before going to find a box of condoms.

Tina nodded, “Yep! I couldn't stop thinking of that Tom Jones' song.” She began to hum as she climbed off Artie's head, her hand moving to rub her still sensitive pussy in the hopes of soothing it while she made out with Artie.

Mercedes tapped Kurt on the shoulder until he got up. “Here.” she said, giving him a couple condoms. “It's gonna get messy if we don't use these. She then moved over to Brittany where she took her condom and rolled it down one of the many dildos. It was a brown one, thick and veiny, just like Mercedes figured her dick would look if she was a hot man instead of a hot mama. “Get ready, girl, I'm gonna turn your pussy inside out.”

Brittany smiled, “Bring it.”

Meanwhile, Kurt had opened and was rolling a condom down Artie's penis before he went back to sucking him. Already on edge before they were interrupted, Artie might have lasted longer with the slightly different sensation of his cock covered in latex if Kurt hadn't taken to playing with his balls and Tina wasn't biting his tongue while she played with his nipples. It shocked him when he came, but having two people there to soothe him, one kissing him and the other pumping his cock until he was soft made him feel awesome.

It was at this point that they were all distracted by the sounds coming from the other side of the bed and turned to see Mercedes fucking the shit out of Brittany. Tina fumbled for Artie's glasses and placed them on his head so he could see too while Kurt quickly disposed of the condom by tossing it off the bed.

Mercedes had given up on the dildo as too clumsy for what she wanted and had resorted to her hands. She had one on Brittany's pubic bone, pushing and keeping her stationary while three fingers on her other hand were brutally fucking inwards and upwards onto Brittany's g-spot. Brittany's grunts were growing short and gutteral as she suddenly tensed only for Mercedes to pull her hand out of her vagina and rub her clitoris until it felt like it would catch fire as she climaxed so hard, she actually ejaculated fluid. Her limbs flailed as her nerves misfired and Brittany really did feel like she'd been turned inside out.

“Are you sure you're not a lesbian?” Kurt asked as Mercedes licked her glistening fingers.

Mercedes shrugged and took her fingers out of her mouth, “I figure with this much sexy, I shouldn't discriminate.”

Artie slow-clapped, “How did you know how to do that?” he asked.

“I looked it up on the internet.” Mercedes said. Everyone accepted this without question.

With this, Tina solemnly took off the top hat and gave it to Mercedes who laughed and put it on. She was still laughing when Tina pushed her down on the bed and asked Brittany to get her something they could use to get revenge on Mercedes. “For being a sex fiend!” Tina said as Brittany came over with a condom-covered pink vibrator. The three girls giggled as they spread Mercedes' legs and Brittany worked the long, thin toy into her sex, Tina moving to grab the closest bottle – which turned out to be the chocolate sauce – and dump the contents onto Mercedes' breasts. Tina moved the sauce around with her hands until her breasts were covered, turning to offer her fingers to Artie who gladly licked at them until Tina turned around so she could suck on Mercedes' nipples.

Kurt had moved to sit by Artie as they watched the girls have fun. Brittany was fucking Mercedes gently with the vibrator, slowly turning the dial up as she licked and sucked at Mercedes's clitoris and aorund the base of the toy on her outer lips. Tina was playing with the chocolate as Mercedes' watched, only to dip her fingers in the sauce and lick them, too. It turns out, eating food off yourself could be sexy.

“Still the worst orgy ever?” Artie whispered to Kurt.

Kurt shook his head. “You guys are pretty great.”

Artie smiled, “Go find another condom,” he said. Kurt looked around and saw one by Artie's feet. Grabbing it, he gave it to Artie. Artie then opened the packet and moved towards Kurt's dick.

“What are you doing?” Kurt asked, unable to feel anything but a lethargic curiosity.

“I'm going to give you a handjob,” Artie said, “And then you're going to get me hard again and I'll have sex with Tina. After that, I don't know.”

“I'm pretty ok with that,” Kurt said, surprised at how amazingly different it felt when it was someone else's hand on your dick. “Are you ok with that?”

Artie grabbed Kurt's chin with his other hand. “I'm ok with everything.” he said before pulling Kurt forward into a kiss.

By the time Artie had gotten Kurt off and was tying up the condom, the girls were already done with the now sodden wreck that was Mercedes and were ready for more.

“Need some help?” Brittany said with a shark's grin before moving to pump Artie's half-hard cock. He groaned at the sudden pressure and was soon fully erect only for Brittany to put a condom and a cockring on him. Kurt moved on shaky legs around the bed until he could lay next to Mercedes, the two of them hugging.

“Tina,” Artie groaned as he saw her move to climb on top of his lap. She moved slowly down his erection only to come back up before she'd hit bottom. She kept up this slow climb and fall until Artie could feel the tension in his abdominals from the urge to come. He reached his hands up for hers and gripped tight until he was able to pull her off balance and fully seat her on his lap.

“Oh!” she said in shock, “Did I hurt you?” she stayed on his lap, neck straining as she panted at the deep penetration.

“I wouldn't know,” Artie said sadly, “I wish you didn't have to do all the work.”

Tina smiled down at Artie, “You supply the tools and I supply the labor, it's a fair trade. Besides, you do plenty. Lift me up at the waist.”

Artie quickly complied. He lifted her only to let her drop, both of them groaning. He was only able to keep this up for a minute or so, but by the time Tina had taken over he had almost forgotten his own issues.

“Rub my clit, Artie,” Tina said as he shifted the weight of his torso to one arm so he could comply and still look down at where they were joined. “There, oh there. Now pinch it. Yes! Just right, it's always just right.” Tina fell into wordless sounds as she climaxed, just as juicy as when he ate her out earlier.

“And you still haven't come!” Tina said happily. Artie wordlessly pointed at the cockring. Tina laughed, “This just means I'll have to ride you again.” He couldn't complain with her logic even if it felt like his dick would fall off.

Kurt and Mercedes were laying down watching the Artie and Tina sex show silently, their hands clasped as they enjoyed a quiet moment together. “You know, at first I thought this was stupidest thing you had ever thought up, Kurt. Including when you tried to make your own homemade, organic hair-removal wax, but this hasn't been that bad.” Mercedes said.

“It's a lot better than masturbating.” Kurt agreed.

At this point, Brittany bounced onto the bed beside them, showering condoms on them as well as a tube of lube. “You guys ready for more?” she asked.

“Are you like an Energizer sex bunny?” Kurt said as he picked up a condom packet.

Brittany unwound a scarf from around her wrist. “Nah, I just have a lot more practice then you guys. If we keep this up then you guys will be like this too after awhile.” Kurt and Mercedes looked at each other and had a silent conversation with their eyebrows.

By the time Tina had come five times from riding Artie and he had begged enough for her to feel just the tiniest bit of guilt and take the cockring off of him, they were tossing yet another tied condom onto Kurt's floor when they looked over and saw quite the sight. “Oh, it's Kurt's turn! Do you mind...” Tina said as she nodded towards the others.

Artie felt like his penis was chafing and could barely keep his eyes open so he waved the still bouncing Tina away. She crawled towards the other girls who had Kurt flat on his back with his hands tied together on his chest with the gauzy scarf. Mercedes was using her magic fingers to stretch Kurt open while Brittany had found a new dildo which she had already covered with a condom and was smothering in lubricant.

“Are you ready, baby?” Mercedes asked Kurt removing her hand from his ass and wiping the lube from her fingers onto her thigh. He nodded frantically only to shut his eyes in antipication as Mercedes and Tina both pulled his legs up from the bed by the knees. Brittany situated herself in between his thighs and took the beige-looking dildo and slowly pushed it into his ass. Mercedes and Tina dropped his legs and he strained to keep his feet planted while this new sensation of being fucked made him feel like he was burning up inside. Mercedes moved up and started to kiss his face. In need of a distraction, he turned towards her and they started to make out, her tongue in his mouth as she worked her fingers inside her pussy.

Tina was down by his waist, watching as Brittany pumped the dildo inside Kurt with a strong and steady rhythm. “I wish I had a strap-on.” Brittany said as she put one of her hands on Kurt's waist for leverage. “Then I could go for hours.” Tina thought that was an excellent idea. Turned on, she took one of the flimsy ends of the scarf holding Kurt's hands together and dragged it over his hard cock. He twitched and gasped, pulling his mouth away from Mercedes only for her to complain. Tina took the scarf in hand and wrapped it around the shaft of Kurt's penis while she licked at the head.

Brittany stopped fucking Kurt long enough to toss a condom at Tina's head and then went back to what she was doing making Kurt moan deep in his chest. “I didn't know you could vocalize that low,” Mercedes murmered in between kisses.

“I have many talents” he said with a grin. This wasn't how he had planned to lose his virginity, but he had no complaints. Especially when he felt Artie reached out to hold his hand again, joining their little love fest in a non-sexual, but appropriate way. He tried to ignore the smirking 'I told you so' look in Artie's eyes though and it was easy to do with Artie's girlfriend's mouth on his dick, and Mercedes humping his side leaving wet trails down his hip, and Brittany fucking him until he lost feeling in his feet. When he came, he almost blacked out.

***

With the boys out for the count, the girls moved to the couches and kept going for another hour, discussing which boys were hot at school (that weren't already in the room, steaming it up) and comparing the different dildos and vibrators Santana had. Finally worn out, they crawled into the bed and formed a puppy pile around Kurt and Artie making sure to not cut off circulation to Artie's legs.

When everyone woke up in the morning, they were glad for Tina's sleep masks as they pulled them over their eyes while they all suffered monster hangovers. They were able to bully Tina into taking hers off and squint as she stumbled around turning off any lights that could be found until the basement was a dark haven for their tired bodies. Clambering in on Artie's side, Tina sighed and said, “This is nice.”

Everyone else murmured their agreement. It was just as they were about to fall back asleep that Mercedes piped up, “I can't believe I'm saying this, but we have got to do this again. I don't even care about getting on that stupid Glist anymore, we are major badasses and it doesn't matter if anyone else knows it at this point because you know what? I can make a girl squirt and wear out two boys in one night. My pussy is solid gold and if they can't figure that out then I don't need them.”

Kurt just sort of shrugged and said, “I'm pretty sure I'm still gay because I couldn't get it up to fuck you girls no matter how much I wanted to at the time, but I don't mind having three girlfriends.”

Artie put his arms behind his head, “Don't forget your new straight boyfriend. And I feel like a sultan with the sexiest harem in all of Lima. You're included in that Kurt” he said while Mercedes tried to smother him with a pillow.

“I don't feel that different at all.” Brittany said, “But if we do this again, I really think we should invite Santana.” Artie still looked creeped out by the idea. “She has a strap-on harness, but she won't let me borrow it.”

Tina pumped her fist, “Yay! I think we learned a lesson about sexual empowerment!”

Artie couldn't help but say wryly, “It was better than any of Mr. Schue's lessons.” Everyone laughed and then groaned as their hangovers came back to punch them in the heads.

“We should probably shower,” Kurt said as he looked aroud the room, “And powerwash my floor. What did you guys do to my couch?”

The girls looked at each other with secret grins.

***

By the time everyone was semi-presentable, it was lunchtime at school so they decided to skip and only head in for Glee club. They all tried to act natural, choosing seats at random and not right on top of each other like they wanted. Kurt's ass hurt so much that he had to pretend to be looking out the fucking window at the brick wall across the courtyard until Mr. Schuester came in and said it was time to watch Rachel's music video.

Sitting with a wince, Kurt was glad they turned off the lights so he could squirm without anyone noticing. Not that they would have since everyone was squirming in their seats in sheer embarrassment at how incredibly bad the video was. Kurt was glad he had turned Rachel down when she asked him to be an angel with Brittany and Santana. What a tragic mess. And then it turned into a crazy argument as Puck, Finn, and Jesse yelled at Rachel about using them to up her reputation. Kurt couldn't help but think hysterically that at least he didn't have that problem since it seemed he had three girlfriends and a boyfriend now. As the boys stormed off, Kurt caught Mercedes eye and nodded towards the door. As they moved, Artie, Tina, and Brittany followed. Harem just might be the right word for what they had going on. Not that there was anything wrong with it.

Epilogue

By the next week, the Glist was long forgotten and Glee was back to normal or as normal as it could get. Nonetheless, some of the members couldn't help but notice that certain other members were acting differently from before. Santana kept seeing Mercedes and Brittany sitting in the corner before the meetings started, pointing and giggling as they talked about something. Santana didn't like it one bit. She also didn't like how Brittany kept trying to make her be friends with Artie, who looked like he was going to choke on his tongue everytime she was nearby. Brittany kept hinting that it be totally worth it to make Artie like her, but she couldn't figure out what Brittany could possibly mean.

Quinn was also confused by what was going on. While Mercedes had definitely warmed up to her and was even letting her stay in her home now, she couldn't help but feel a little hurt everytime Mercedes packed her giant overnight bag and went to spend the night at Kurt's. She went at least once a week and never talked about what they did, but Quinn knew that sometimes Tina and Artie were there too. Maybe it was an orginal Glee kids thing they did, but Quinn had a feeling it wasn't.

Puck couldn't figure out what Artie's deal was with the way he had Tina crawling all over him yet he flirted openly with Mercedes in front of her. Sometimes, Artie flirted with Kurt, once going so far as to point at his lap and ask Kurt if he wanted a ride on 'Big Poppa' to his car. What drove Puck crazy was that Kurt actually smiled and wrapped his arms around Artie's neck while sitting on his lap as Tina giggled and pushed the two boys out of the choir room. Puck couldn't figure out if Artie was just a big pimp or if the weird hardcore Glee nerds were playing an elaborate LARP.

Finn was confused. Since Rachel started dating Jesse, he felt lonely. Quinn was gone from his life and Puck was not someone he wanted to talk to let alone think about. Now with Rachel gone, it felt like no one cared about him anymore. He used to talk to Kurt about these things, but Kurt had been so busy lately with Mercedes and Tina and Artie, sometimes Brittany. Also, it felt like Kurt was treating him differently, too. Kurt seemed less interested in his life, less willing to get involved. Finn didn't like this at all, but he didn't know what to do about it.

Mr. Schuester just wondered why Tina blushed so much when he mentioned going on a date in high school to get sundaes covered in chocolate sauce.

Jesse was pretty sure that Kurt, Artie, Tina, Mercedes, and Brittany were fucking. It was common among the more committed members of any show choir to let off tension through sex – at least it was common at Vocal Adrenaline and there wasn't any choir more committed then they were. And as the most committed members of New Directions (except for himself and Rachel, of course) it only made sense to Jesse that they would find a release for their frustration at their inability to win by sleeping with each other. Jesse admired their dedication and remembered fondly many after-rehearsal sessions with his friends. Soon.

Mike and Matt didn't know what was going on, but they were pretty sure they were being forgotten again.

And Rachel was oblivious.


	2. tumblr drabble coda

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is something I wrote on tumblr in 2012 as a bit of a coda to the original story and then promptly forgot about. It's here now though! Enjoy!

When Tina broke up with Artie over summer break it was sort of like she broke up with all of them. Mercedes understood why Tina did it (she had been pretty miffed about Artie’s gaming habits and she knew for a fact that Kurt and Brittany had actually gone over to his house once and tried to bribe him into quitting with an offer of unlimited blowjobs that he had actually _turned down_ ) and when Tina had sent her the pictures of Mike’s abs Mercedes had given her snaps for her good taste, but still.

It hurt because Mercedes missed her girl.

“Maybe we should have Tina bring Mike with her? I’d have sex with Mike,” Brittany said. She was laying on Mercedes’ bed sideways, her hair cascading down the side.

Kurt nodded as he worried a pistachio. “That’s a thought.”

“Yeah, but how would that make Artie feel?” Mercedes asked. She was pretending to look at her clothes but was mainly listening the scrape of the hangers as she flipped through them, her body half turned toward her friends.

“Right now, I don’t really care how Artie feels,” Kurt said before cracking a shell between his teeth. Brittany side-eyed him. “He was a jerk and not only to Tina, but to all of us. Tina was the one smart enough to break it off first.”

“He’s not that bad,” Brittany said slowly.

“He isn’t, but he was a fool to ignore Tina,” Mercedes said, interrupting, “To ignore all of us this summer. I told him as much yesterday after classes, but he’s still sulking. Maybe you should talk to him Kurt, he might listen to you.”

Kurt snorted and shook his head.

“What if I was Artie’s girlfriend officially?” Brittany asked as she got up on the bed. Kurt gestured for her to join him at the headboard and she scrambled up, curling in around his waist. “Then he wouldn’t be sad anymore, right? Then maybe Tina would be his friend again and she could bring Mike and we could all have sex together again.”

“Maybe, Britt,” Kurt said, “But it wouldn’t solve Artie’s problem with respecting women.” Brittany frowned and buried her head in Kurt’s neck, her palm curved around his crotch possessively as they snuggled. 

“Aw hell,” Mercedes said before giving up on her closet entirely and joining the cuddle pile on her bed. She pushed Brittany forward and curved in towards the warmth radiating from her back, her fingers tangled in Kurt’s hair. “This sucks.”

Kurt and Brittany both nodded in agreement. 

“Mercedes, can I fondle your breasts?” Brittany asked sadly.

“Of course you can, Brittany,” Mercedes said, cooing. “Kurt, you want in on this?”

Kurt bit his lower lip before giving a tiny shrug as if to say, ‘why not?’ his hands already reaching down to unbutton his pants.

Mercedes kept talking even as she pulled her shirt over her head, “We can make cookies afterward and then eat them, what do you think guys?”

“I’m never breaking up with you, Mercedes,” Brittany said solemnly, thin fingers reaching out to touch the lacy cups of Mercedes’ bra.


End file.
